It seems that the only games that I'm interested in making are about my experiences as a transgender man. There is something really cathartic and liberating about pouring energy into an artifact that represents you. In many ways, my practice has allowed me to explore my identity and process any related trauma. It brings me an unfathomable amount of joy to share these manifestations of my experiences with others. I know that the way I want to punctuate my journey through undergrad is with another one of these games.
I came out as transgender the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. I finally had the courage to address feelings of intense body dysphoria that I had learned to suppress. I was beyond lucky to be surrounded by friends and family who, despite their understanding, continued to love and support me. It was actually my mother who bought me my first binder. I remember panicking, using all of my strength, trying to pull the tight garment over my head. That's not how you're supposed to put one on, by the way. Eventually, I managed to squeeze into it and check out my new, flat chest in the mirror. This was the moment that I became familiar with the sensation of gender euphoria. I wept. Finally, the image that I saw in the mirror felt like an expression of myself. I actually felt confident.
Naturally, when you experience something like this, you never want that feeling to fade. So, I wore that binder from the second that I woke up, to the second that I went to sleep. This was extremely unhealthy for my body. Binders are so tight and so constricting that they don't allow you to take proper deep breaths. They don't allow you to bend your torso without bruising your rib cage. They don't allow you to exercise without doing serious damage to your internal organs. An object that had once helped me to feel so free from my biology now felt like a prison.
I want to make a game that captures what it means to not just wear a binder, but what it means to run in one. I want players to experience the physical and mental stress that gender nonconforming folks experience just to exist outside of their beds. I want to share a portion of my relationship with masculinity. This is what "Bound" is about.
If you want to learn more about the transgender community or ways that you can help them, look here.
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